New Beth

This summer, I created the New Beth. She is underhanded, she is indirect, she is oh-so nice. She can better deal with BYU culture than could Old Beth. For example, New Beth dealt with the four-hundred-pound, combat-boot-wearing, screaming people upstairs:

Upstairs Neighbor. Hi?
New Beth. Hey, I'm Beth, from downstairs. Hey, cool! My bedroom's right below your living room—weird, huh?
UN. I'm Sarah. Do you want to play with us?
NB. Oh, that sounds like so much fun, but actually, I'm getting ready for bed. I just came by to see if you were okay.
UN. Uh . . . Yeah, of course we're okay.
NB. Gosh, I just heard so much pounding that I thought someone must be hurt up here. My walls were shaking! I'm so glad no one's being murdered!
UN. No one's being murdered, but I'm sorry you were worried about us. See you later!

This is what Old Beth would have said:

Upstairs Neighbor. Hi?
Old Beth. Hi, I'm Beth from downstairs. Did you know my bedroom's right under your party?
UN. Nope.
OB. Well, it is, and I'm trying to sleep. Please keep it down a bit.
UN. Whatever. (Shuts the door on Old Beth.) Can you believe that chick?! She's spoiling all of our fun!

This is how New Beth dealt with the manager when the toilet broke:

Manager. Hello?
New Beth. Well, I plunged and plunged like you told me to, and I still can't see a clog. Gosh, I just don't understand enough about toilets and plumbing and stuff. What should I try next?
M. Don't worry about it. I'll come right now.
NB. Thanks!

Old Beth's method:

Manager. Hello?
Old Beth. Well, it's been an hour since you said you'd come look at the toilet . . .
M. Did you try plunging?
OB. Yes. I missed a quiz this morning because I was plunging the toilet. I'm pretty sure that's not the problem because I had to turn off the valve to make the water stop running all over the floor. Water ran into the heat register. Could you come now?
M. Okay, whatever. I'll be there in the next few hours.

Here's an actual conversation between exboyfriend and Old Beth last spring after he hurt her best friend and she decided to tell him the naked truth:

exboyfriend. You've been pretty quiet. How are you?
Old Beth. Y'know, I used to think that we could still be friends, but now just looking at you makes me violently ill.

Here's New Beth's method of dealing with exboyfriend in front of her best friend after he continues to torment said best friend:

New Beth (knowing his lack of work experience and the great competition made his chances for said job approximately zilch). Did you get that job at the optometrist's that you were talking about?
exboyfriend: Uh, that didn't work out.
NB (knowing that he wouldn't get a job even though he's nearly 26, and that he continues taking undergrad classes full-time after graduating this April to avoid getting a job and paying off his massive student loans and MasterCard bills). Oh. So, where are you working this semester?
ex. I'm just going to school, y'know. (Trying to change subject.) My little brother just got a really good raise, though.
NB. Oh, I get it! Does your brother give you money, then?

See, New Beth is much better suited to the saccharine climate of her surroundings.

Too bad I hate her.