Baby-Naming Tips for Expectant Parents

Note: All example names used below are actual names of actual people. To them I say I still love you; the fault is not your own.

• Even though you know your child will be confident and well-liked, make sure your child's name does not rhyme with any common pejoratives (i.e. Mitch, Buck, Jorge), just to be safe.
• Interesting names are unusual names spelled in a usual way: they are not usual names spelled in an unusual way.
• Non-standard spellings are only acceptable if they are the standard spelling in some recognized human language; for example, you can get away with Kjerstin and Ioan, but never Qurysteenah for Christina, and never, ever spell Karen C-A-R-R-I-O-N.
• DO read the list of the most popular baby names for the past couple of years and DO eliminate at least the top six from consideration. DO NOT simply spell it weird (see above) so your child is strapped with Aeydonne until he's old enough to change it.
• If you want to be on the cutting edge, give your child a name that is not a name. Virtues, like Truth (for a boy) or Charity work well, as do flowers, fruit, and certain herbs (Sage and Rosemary, yes; Parsley and Thyme, no). Hospital food and illegal drugs such as Cocaine are not acceptable.
• Do not give your daughter a super-cute name if you are entertaining any dreams that she will work in a professional capacity (doctor, lawyer, judge, CEO, president, etc.). I am sorry to say that few of the Ashlees and Kandis in the world will ever break the glass ceiling. Either give her a stronger name and a cute nickname (Catherine to Kitty), or get used to the fact that her only chance at fame and fortune will be American Idol.
• When a popular character on a popular television show gives their child the perfect name, stop. Resist. Half the country is giving their children that exact same name at that exact same moment.
• Short first names (one to two syllables) go well with long last names (four syllables or more); long first names go well with short last names.