Eight days 'til London

Waiting isn't as difficult as is thinking about finals.

Sense from Mr. Conspiracy-Theory

Today during the final hour of Political Science 452, Islam and Politics, outspoken Mr. Conspiracy-Theory actually said something sensible. I think. I've heard so much far-fetched hogwash from him that I may have been sensitized to his ramblings.
Anyway, he said that one of the things that could have helped America's position in Iraq would be to hire Iraqi contractors to build roads and Iraqi cooks to cook Iraqi-grown food for the American soldiers. Hiring American contractors to build roads in Iraq was not only very expensive for the United States because American contractors have to be paid mucho dinero, housed, and protected, but hiring Iraqis would have created some jobs for the people who are now planting roadside bombs for money instead. Likewise, all of the American military's food is shipped into Iraq at great expense (Mr. Conspiracy-Theory said each soldier's meal costs about $30, even though it's just normal gross cafeteria food) and is cooked and served by Bangledeshis. Mr. Conspiracy-Theory has been in Iraq as a soldier, so I think he knows about this. Hiring Iraqis to run the cafeterias and other base operations would have created more much-needed jobs in Iraq. More jobs in Iraq mean less frustrated unemployed people joining the insurgency. In fact, hiring locals to take care of American soldiers' temporal needs is a long-standing tradition in the US military.
We say we want the Iraqis to fight their battles, so why shouldn't they build their roads?

Crazy Driver Caught Trying to Run Down Famous Bloggeress

Today at 5:38 p.m., famed bloggeress and Faerie Queen of the Internet Bethylene Embereyes was nearly run down at the intersection of 700 East and 500 North in Provo, Utah. A Provo police officer stationed behind the Colony sign on 750 East saw the incident and persued the black sedan with Idaho plates IM 610 * to ticket the crazy driver for attempted pedestrianicide.
"Drivers try to kill me at that stop sign all the time," says the gorgeous copyeditor Bethylene, "but this was the first time a cop caught one. Now they need to get the ugly black Hummer with Utah plates ZOOOMIN for trying to kill me and for overcompensating."

Why Must He Torture Me So?

If you're out there, ohsnapitsdavid06 from veoh.com, please add the tenth episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer season 3. I can't help it—I'm hooked, and watching 3x10 in French on dailymotion.com didn't cure me. I need to see what happens next!

My Fairytale Remains Possible

Prince William and Kate Middleton broke up. I'm sure I'm not anywhere close to alone in sighing with relief—I still have a (miniscule) chance!

Flirtbuddies and the Mysterious Sarah

My tall flirtbuddy gave me his book today—Lonely Planet's Europe on a Shoestring. When I saw the price on the back, I determined to return it to him, but what baffled me more was why he gave it to me. Are flirtbuddies just extremely personable nice guys, like Yasser in high school who made every woman he talked to feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, or are they interested but afraid of dating? Did my tall flirtbuddy give me the book because he likes me or because he noticed me tear up when I saw it?
Why did my short flirtbuddy adjust my collar last weekend? Why does he always sit next to me when we are in a group? Why does he tease me about not seeing him often enough?
All of these things are normal signs of interest, except my short flirtbuddy has had six months to ask me out but hasn't. My tall flirtbuddy has had eight. I've been assuming we're perpetual flirtbuddies, for flirting is fun and not nearly as much work as dating, but their latest moves have kinda crossed the line. I wouldn't give a guy a book unless I were majorly interested. Nor would I adjust the collar of a mere flirtbuddy. I'm confused.

On a completely different, and spurious, note, I met the strangest person yesterday. Her name is Sarah, and she is the most nondescript woman in the world. The only exceptional thing about her is that she's so unexceptional. Her height: short end of average. Her build: slight. Her face: soft features; not pretty, not ugly; clear, pasty skin; no makeup. Her eyes: light brown, I think. Her hair: some dull noncolor between blonde and brunette. Her clothing: neutral colors in the style of two years ago. Her voice: easily canceled out by the scrape of a single chair on linoleum across the room.
She claimed we had met before, but she must be so forgettable that I forgot. I'm writing this so that the next time I see a completely boring-looking young woman, I can say, "Hi, Sarah!"

History Repeats Itself Again

Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas and Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert are meeting for talks that United States Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice set up. And the cycle of useless photo ops begins for a new generation of leaders.
Hmm . . . what's gonna happen? I'm thinking nothing.

Dear exboyfriend,

Earlier this evening, I told you, “I used to believe that we could be friends, but now just thinking about you makes me violently ill.”
Since you’ve probably convinced yourself that you haven’t done anything wrong lately, I’m sure you are very confused and on the verge of deciding that I’m crazy and not worth believing. Before you do that, let me explain myself.
My best friend’s grandfather died three weeks ago, and you were there to comfort her, as a friend. What neither she nor I knew at the time was that you weren’t comforting her; instead, you were using her distress as an excuse to rub your body against hers for hours.
A week and a half later, after she had returned from Indiana and was much less distraught, you ran your hand up her thigh while both of you were eating out with a group of friends. She told you to stop. You felt her up again. She repeated her request for you to stop. You persisted.
You repeated this pattern in the hot tub—complaining loudly when she moved away from you, Mr. Grope, to talk to Zach, Mr. Respect—and a few nights ago when she was too exhausted to argue. You are taking advantage of her fear of conflict and her embarrassment.
Because she is a kind, sensitive person, my best friend felt guilty about what you were doing to her, since she is both your roommate’s exgirlfriend and your exgirlfriend’s best friend. She thought I would be mad at her. Well, I’m not mad at her. I know you and what goes on in your sick little brain. I know from personal experience that you do not understand the meaning of stop. You can try to argue that after living in Brazil, you’ve forgotten some English words, but I'll break your teeth before you finish your sentence.
You have driven her away from her own apartment, yet you dare to complain when she leaves to get away from you.
Do you see why I feel so violently ill when I think about you? Do you understand that I would feel this way whether I had dated you or not? Nobody should be treated as you are treating my best friend. I’ve imagined throttling you, and I’ve imagined feeling good about it afterwards.
You don’t deserve it, but she and I are both offering you a truckload of mercy: We’re going to tell you your future. My best friend has independently decided that the next time you make her uncomfortable in any way, she’s going to tell the one woman you’re afraid of what you’ve been up to. As you know, when that happens, all hell will break loose.
I’m also going to tell you that the day my best friend goes public with what you’re doing to her, I will also gather the woman you fear, her short collaborator, my best friend, your brother, and your roommates and tell them all about what you did to me while we were dating and why I really broke up with you. Until now, I thought you deserved to keep your holier-than-thou façade because there was a slight chance that you may grow into it. Then you hurt my friend.
If you want to keep your friends and your false dignity, you will never touch my best friend again.
I don’t mean your never, which lasts about three days. I mean that when my best friend visits you in the Telestial Kingdom, you won’t touch her.
Think or say whatever you want about me, but keep your fithly hands off my friend. However, if you really think I’m lying or exaggerating, just try feeling her up or holding her hand one more time. Except that it would cause her more trauma, I almost want you to, so you can see how serious I am.
Thank you for leaving relatively quickly tonight, you saved my throat from hoarseness because I didn’t get a chance to yell at you.
Sincerely,
Bethylene

Nutriating on the Cheap: Tips from a Pro

• Buy 2% milk instead of skim: same price, more calories. Plus, you get sick of it faster.
• Less sharp cheddar packs the same amount of flavor as more mild cheddar.
• Oatmeal and rice double in size when cooked, but cornmeal quadruples.
  
• Make canned beans your staple. Not only are they packed with protein, fiber, iron, and other good stuff, but they are super cheap. Off-brands taste exactly the same as name-brand beans (the exception here is refried beans: Rosarita, always buy Rosarita). I suggest Great Northern and little white beans. Rinsing the beans thoroughly in a colander before using them prevents digestive side effects.
• Eggs are 99¢ a dozen, and two will keep you full past lunch. Do the math: that's 16½¢ a breakfast.
• Spices may seem expensive, but a slight sprinkle will make boring cheap food more appealing.
• Never eat meat or chicken straight. Incorporate it into some sort of casserole to stretch it.
  
• Help the host or hostess clean up after a party to score leftovers.
• Uncooked oatmeal (in drums, not packets) is very, very cheap (off-brands taste the same as Quaker) and keeps you fuller than cold cereal.
  
• Stock up on staples (like canned beans) during sales. Not only does this get you a better price, but you have something to eat if you get sick and can't work for a week.
• Accept free food.
• Seek out sources of free food.
• Make friends with people who like to barbecue. Consider every hour you spend pretending to be interested in what they're saying an investment towards free hamburgers and steaks.

BYU Protest on Al Jazeera: Mindblowing Moment of the Week

I didn't think the protest was that exciting. I mean, I desperately wished I had a camera phone for the first time in my life, but it was peaceful, of moderate size, nothing huge.
I thought.
Apparently Al Jazeera thought the quiet protest of less than two hundred students and faculty members against Dick Cheney's policies at Brigham Young University, where Cheney will speak at April commencement, was big enough to report. Weird. Weird.
NPR I can understand, even MTV News, but Al Jazeera? Students in Lebanon are applauding BYU's protest! Why do they care? Portland has protests, big protests, against Bush and Cheney practically every week, but even NPR doesn't care.
As J. C. Bollers told the Daily Universe, "This is probably the most boring protest ever."
Someone tell Al Jazeera and the authors of 171 other news sources around the world who covered the event.